VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (2017) - Visually beautiful, but everything else sucks

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a 2017 science fiction action movie directed by Luc Besson and starring Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne. The movie is based on the French comic Valérian and Laureline and follows Major Valerian and Sergeant Laureline as they travel through various planets in order solve the mystery of a dying alien race that had almost been completely exterminated.

The movie's a weird jumble of Star Wars, the Matrix, and Avatar that works in some ways, but falls flat in others

This was an interesting movie because it could have easily been good or bad. The trailers immediately show that it was going to be an amazing visual experience, but a lot of times this will come at the cost of the movie's script, characters, and story. But at the same time, if the movie has at least a decent story and characters along with its amazing visuals, then it would be a really fun movie to watch. Unfortunately, the movie falls flat on its face with a boring plot, bad characters, and a truly awful dialogue that is some of the worst in recent memory. I even live-tweeted some of my reactions as you can see below.

Also, a few hours earlier I had gotten my wisdom teeth removed and my mouth started oozing blood about 3/4 of the way through the movie and I took that as a sign from God that I should leave the movie.

The Good - Visuals and World-building

Let's get this out of the way because it's the only good thing I have to say about it. Visually, it's fantastic. CGI is slightly lacking sometimes, but for 95% of the movie it's a beauty to watch. Rich, vibrant colors with hundreds of hues work together harmoniously to create beautiful and believable worlds. And not only that, but the worlds themselves are beautiful in their unique cultures, peoples, and settings. One of the biggest flaws in the Star Wars franchise is that too many of their worlds look similar (how many times have we seen a desert planet, a futuristic city set in the clouds, or a rainforest world?). Valerian cuts this by having many very different and very unique worlds with some of the most imaginative and believable technology I've ever seen in science-fiction movie.

Film starts with a beach-like planet where its fish-esque inhabitants live in harmony with nature. 15 minutes later, we see an alternate universe shopping district where people interact via virtual-reality headsets. Soon afterwards, we visit Alpha--a space station comprised of hundreds of very different cultures and civilizations. The worlds and the creatures that inhabit them are wildly imaginative and the CGI is good enough for everything to feel very real and tangible.

Their faces accurately resemble mine while watching this movie.

The Bad - Literally everything else

• Even before the movie started, I had saw some red flags in the trailers that played before the movie. Typically you can judge what the movie would be like based on what trailers are playing (AKA what studio actually would pay money to advertise their movie in your film). The trailers that played before Valerian were: a Mexican gay rom-com. An animated movie that came out a year ago. A movie about a 40-year old cougar mom having sex with a 20-year old guy, which reminded me of that one really bad movie about two moms falling in love with each other's sons.
• The "plot" is boring because there is no plot. The movie is adapted from a comic book series and it definitely feels like it. But instead of taking inspiration from the characters and setting or from famous storylines, Valerian seems to adapt straight from issue to issue, making the movie almost seem like a series of events rather than a complete story. Sure, there is TECHNICALLY a coherent plot, but it's all comprised of "this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens".
• Dave DeHaan as Valerian is supposed to be a certified badass at everything he does, but comes off as a renegade edgy punk trying to cosplay Han Solo instead of actually BEING Han Solo. 
• Cara Delevingne as Lauraline is equally bad in different ways. While her character is a lot better and more likeable than Valerian, her actings spotty at times and you never really feel like she's really into her role. The good thing is her acting has slightly improved from the evil dancing mummy witch she played in Suicide Squad.

  

  My heart wishes you had been used better.

• Rihanna plays a stripper/prostitute named Bubbles. Like actually. She's heavily promoted in the marketing because she's really all that the movie has going for it and the producers know it. She's in the movie for like 10 minutes and her character was very lame and oversexualized, pole-dancing while shapeshifting into a bunch of different fetishes which I think I was supposed to get off on but it ended up disturbing me quite a bit. She eventually helps Valerian when he promises her that he'll help her escape her pimp and lead a good life. She then ends up killed five minutes later while helping Valerian and Lauraline to escape and neither of them feel the least bit sorry for her. Good job, movie. Great way to make me care about your characters.
• Speaking of using famous actors to market their movie, Kris Wu from EXO is also in the movie and has about 5 lines so the producers could market the movie to Asian audiences as well. 
• The dialogue is SO CRINGE. I haven't seen a script this bad since The Last Airbender ruined my childhood in 2010. When we meet Valerian, both he and Lauraline literally spend a few minutes listing out his character traits for the audience (keep in mind they've known each other for years now). Good filmmakers always have the rule of "show, don't tell", meaning we should be SHOWN what the characters are like, not told what they are like. But of course, the filmmakers decided the best way to introduce Valerian would be like this:
• Valerian: "I'm a certified badass who's super cool and seemingly doesn't need romantic relationships, but trust me I actually have a soft side underneathe."
• Lauraline: "No you don't. You've had a string of relationships with your past female colleagues and I don't think you truly have feelings for me at all."
• Valerian: "That's not true. We've been partners for years now. Those other girls mean nothing to me."
• Lauraline: "Yes, and since we've been partners for so long, going on several missions together, I know that you're just afraid of commitment and afraid of love."
• Even action scenes have terrible dialogue. There's one moment where Valerian is on a chase sequence while Lauraline is monitoring his position and this is how it goes:
• Valerian: "I need to go faster."
• Lauraline: "You're going to lose him."
• Valerian: "No, I won't. Trust me."
• Lauraline: "Valerian, no. You're about to go off the map. I'm going to lose you in 10 seconds."
• Valerian: "I can do it."
• Lauraline: "No, you can't."
• Valerian: "Yes, I can."
• Lauraline: "5 seconds."
• Valerian: "I got it."
• Lauraline: "Come on, Valerian."
• Valerian: "Oh no, I'm losing control."
• Lauraline: "Ugh, we've lost him."
• Yes it's really that bad^.
• The romance is also terrible. Valerian proposes to Lauraline at the beginning of the movie and asks her again and again and again throughout the movie and he quickly comes off as unable to comprehend any real relationships. The actors have no chemistry whatsoever and frequently shift between love and hate, but not in the good way.
• Halfway through the movie, I realize I might have liked the characters a lot more had they been switched with the cast of Passengers. That movie was also bad but Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence definitely have good chemistry, and both have proved themselves capable of playing badasses.
• Oh, and I left 3/4 of the way through and went to rewatch the last half hour of War for the Planet of the Apes.

Final Verdict

Is it terrible? Not really. It's just plain boring. Would I recommend it? Barely. If you love having beautiful visual effects and some of the best and most imaginative worlds out there in recent film history, sure go ahead. But otherwise, it's just not worth it. Even if you're there for Rihanna, she's really not used well. I would give it a much lower score had the visuals and worlds not been amazing.

Score: C